Sometimes I feel I can no longer let my emotions out in front of her otherwise I will lose what I have left. But she’s the only one I ever opened up to.

Sometimes I feel I have stopped being happy. Dreaming about something which I know won’t come true. But when I talk to her, this feeling goes away like it never existed. Nothing else crosses my mind when I talk to her, because it is the best thing ever.

Sometimes I feel that I must stop myself. Stop myself from getting hurt everytime she doesn’t feel like talking to me. I forget it’s her choice and she isn’t attracted to me as I am to her.

Sometimes I am so afraid that after all this what will happen to me if it doesn’t turn out as I thought it would be. Will I be able to hold myself. Even thinking of this shatters my heart.

Sometimes I feel I should cut myself off from her, but I am nit that strong to let go if her.

My friends tell me I must let go or it will break me but even if I think there is a tiny amount of chance I will never give up. Her friendship is priceless.

I know that she can’t be mine. But this strong hope in me always tells me otherwise. I feel broken everyday and everytime I think of her, but at the end of the day it all seems worth it.

And even after all this drama we’ve been through, she listens to me patiently and never ever makes me feel bad for the way I feel. She is so good she doesn’t realise it. She thinks of herself not so high but she couldn’t be more perfect for me.

No matter how far

No matter how far we would be, maybe a thousand miles, I will always be looking out for you. I will always feel that all of a sudden you may walk though that hotel door, or maybe come out of the corner of the street. Its because seeing you is the best feeling in the whole world! No matter how many times we meet, that feeling when I see you is irreplaceable. I can not be more happier that being able to be with you.

We meet at Last

I couldn’t meet her when I was at home. I was sad about it and somewhat angry too. I was so excited about it. I remember telling her how badly I wanted to meet her, to sit with her quietly, holding her hand. I had to go on a family trip. We would now meet after 20 days atleast.

We came to college. I am studying Engineering and she is a student of Physiotherapy. We live 70 km apart. I can take a 1.5 hour bus to there on any day. Its not very far but it takes a whole day to meet her so we can meet only when we both are free. We decided to meet on a Sunday. The date was 19th January.

I remember how excited I was all over again. I went to three gift shops and finally took a ring for her. She likes to wear them. I wanted to make the best out of our time on that day. I called my friends and asked about the best plsces to hangout in her city. I made so many plans in my head.

Finally, the day I had to go. I was suppposed to leave at 11 so that I could reach her by 1 oclock. I was so excited that I woke up 8 am and just couldn’t wait. I remeber I left early and my friend saw me. He told me I would never get up on time for going to classes and today I was leaving early. How couldn’t I? I was waiting to meet her for more than a month now. I walked down to the bus to her city happily.

I reached there I walked down to her hostel. I was so so so much excited I couldn’t beat it. She came down and I hugged her tight. I didn’t want to leave her. She always tells me I don’t know how to hug properly. I was overfilled with joy. We went to have lunch to a fancy cafe. We had a good time there. We talked, laughed, took photos of us and ate ofcourse.

After we left that place I insisted on going to the beach but she didn’t want to go there because she had gone there a week ago. There was nothing else to do apart from going to malls where we would only roam about here and there and then we would go back. I didnt want it to be that boring so we went to the beach beacause I wanted to.

We took a ferry ride to the beach. I was so excited and she watched me behave like a child. We went to the beach and it was beautiful. We walked along the shore with the waves touching our feet and with her hand in mine. It felt so nice and pure. I couldn’t be happier. We then sat down by the beach and talked. We got wet in the water and had a great time. She remember that I wanted to sit with her in a quiet place and talk to her. This made me happy, I don’t know why, maybe because she remebered such a small thing like that and it made me feel important.

I had brought some biscuits with me for her, and some homemade food for her. I also gave her the ring I brought for her. I don’t know whether she liked it or not and whether she’ll wear it or not, but she wore it happily at the time.

We left from there, we went to have somehting to drink and then we walked along the road near her college talking about random things. I just enjoy her company, even if we would just sit down somewhere, I would never get bored of her. On the other hand I tried my best not to bore her. We went to her campus and she showed me around. We sat for some time. Now it was time to leave . It was about 6:30 pm and the last bus left at 7. I hugged her again once before leaving. I didn’t want to go but there was nothing I could do.

I love her so much, she knows that too but I just cant talk to her about it anymore. I fear losing her. I fear I will ruin whatever I have now.

It breaks my heart but I have to understand that it won’t become like before anytime soon. But I can’t stop myself from loving her.

Maybe keeping expectations is what hurts me most.

Meeting her tomorrow

So my father doesn’t like me socialising a lot with my friends. Today I got scolded because I had been going out with my friends quite regularly for a few days and he told me today that I wouldn’t be going out after today as only four days are left before me leaving for college again.

This whole one month holiday I met her only once and she has finally agreed to meet me tomorrow. I am so much excited but I will be needing to make an excuse tomorrow. There are butterflies in my stomach already. I keep planning things for what will I do when I meet her, where will I take her, what will I be talking to her about, will I bore her?

I wonder if she is also excited just like me or is it just very normal meeting. Perhaps it is the latter.

Today I also read a small piece of writing by Saif Madre on scrawled stories saying what is the worst feeling?It was to pretend being a beat friend when you love someone. And I think I related to it on another level.

I’ll update what happens tomorrow. Bye.

My love

There is this girl whom I have been liking since class seven. I could stay with her in school only till the end of class eight. She changed schools and we were cut off for a whole year.

We started talking again in class tenth and got really close. I fell in love with her again. Everything was amazing. We started to date when we were in class eleven. The date was 17th August, 2017. It was like a dream come true.

We broke up on 2nd October. It was her decision. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to force anything on her.

I don’t know of everyone is like this, but I went on a date with her 3 days later and trust me I was more than happy to meet her. I juat couldn’t stop myself from loving her. I just knew it was her whom I wanted to be with.

Same thing happened by the end of class 12th. We dated for about a month again and we broke up. Her decision again. Still couldn’t stop loving her.

We are best friends and we have been through a hell of a roller coaster ride where we were so close and so much apart. But the thing is we never stopped talking to each other. And may be this is what gives me hope till today.

She understands me more than I understand myself. I love her. She doesn’t love me anymore, she said in the first week of college.

I was broken truly. I had been through two breakups with the same person but I knew it would be okay or that I would win her back. This time I felt I was cheated on I don’t know why. This was the first time I couldn’t talk back to her. I lost her. One whole month we didn’t talk. I cried a lot.

I talked to her on the phone one day and then slowly things got better. Everything is okay now. We are still best friends and nothing can part us.

The thing is I still love her the same but she just wants to be friends. A part of me says she loves me but I can’t say for sure. I can only hope. Hope that she comes back onto my life the way I always wanted her to.

This will be my diary

I am engineering student and I have just finished with my first semester.

I live in a hostel so my personal space is not very personal and I wanted my diary to be a secret.

I am not someone who opens up to all. I live with my friends who are with me since i was in class 2 but there is only one whom I can open up to and the irony is that most of the time, it is her who causes me the pain.

I wanted some place where I can express my feelings. This is the place.